homesick .

i went away, i grew up

felt homesick, sick for the hurt, and the empty walls

homesick for the house, the deathly sounds

haunt me,

an ocean away.

everything- too perfect, the city, the people

too beautiful for a girl like me

homesick for the broken bonds

between friends and family

dinner- too perfect

there i sat, in a place too fancy

in new york

and thought,

im homesick,

for the lies and the misery.

pain

it started, slowly at first, then all at once.

anxiety- sadness- numbness- anger

boiling inside me, faster than the water i make chai in.

heart broken, not enough screens to fix it.

one first, and then there were four.

“Facetime- missed call”

four screens- to remind me of my pain

pain that resides at home

your blond hair, didnt do me justice

“ESL” boldly written- over my face and voice

rejected

turmoil

“you’re so wordly”

i speak but the pain bubbles in

love ? 

I came and I looked 

struggling, trying, competing 

First we were three, then you were two 

Who said friends can’t break your heart too

giving up, head down, desolate

I returned, unnoticed 

ghost, words choking , thoughts swallowing 

I thought I loved 

heart breaking , hope- what’s that ?

I returned , a ghost 

first we were three, then you were two

who said friends can’t break hearts too

ill come back up

ill come back up

when theres nothing left

the air is rare and im choking

first so slow

then ever so quickly

ill come back up

if theres nothing left

my home, across the distant sea,

me, just a ghost

in a land

not familiar to me

my accent, slowly becoming

the death of me

quietness, utter loneliness

ill come back up

when there’s nothing left

 

Coming home

coming home, and I landed.

so excited, adorned with gifts, those my wallet could afford.

16 hours, or was it 24? never mind that

home, smaller than i remember,

suffocated, by feelings, feelings I couldn’t afford

i questioned, my life, my love, too sad to cry

drunk, drunk, in fear instead of love

i came home, to my fears

future, now dull and danky

mind, restless

heart, heavy

i came home, and landed

in my fears.

fix me

“Fix me!” I screamed to the open sky, after a long day.

The wind was howling, louder than me.

My hair blew and the wind wiped away my tears.

Greeted by an empty hollow.

Mocked and defeated, I returned to my troubles.

“Fix me!” I yelled at my boyfriend’s face.

Confused, mouth open, he hugged.

His tight embrace couldn’t hold my pieces together.

Greeted by an awkward silence.

Dejected and guilty, I returned to my troubles.

“Fix me!” I asked my scattered books.

Knowledge, or the pursuit of, only worsened it more.

My expensive education did not do it.

Greeted by irony.

Frustrated and hopeless, I returned to my troubles.

“Fix me!” I looked pleadingly towards my therapist.

Head shaking, pen writing, he tried.

I faked it, faked to be okay.

Greeted by temporary truce.

Quieter and worser, I returned to my troubles.

“Fix me!” I whispered, to no one and every one.

Body crumbling, mind breaking, I didnt know.

Where was the end? Wait, where was the way?

Greeted by questions.

Fallen.

“Fix me!” I looked at my new-born nephew.

Hand wrapped around my pinky,

he looked at me so.

Smile bigger than his body,

he did what no one could.

stuck

i feel so stuck, stuck in limbo

the sky is crashing, and then it stops.

paranoid, mind-numbing

and all the teeny-tiny mumbling.

mind-crashing, brain-stretched,

i ache to wake.

coffee-stains, in the dirty dirty rain,

my mind is here, my mind is there,

it is everywhere.

i sleep, i dream of my mother,

i wake, should i even bother?

stuck, stuck in limbo.

 

on Racism

it would be a lie if i said i didn’t feel special when I heard a white person say my name.

~

how am i expected to be myself when i can’t get over the fact that i speak different?

~

i look at myself in the mirror, an ordinary brown girl and then look around my campus, one million ( of course i exaggerate) beautiful, accomplished girls and i shrink. i cant think and i cant write.

~

i see my room-mate with her statue of Ganesha, and her saying ‘I wish I was him.’ i see her friend laying on the bed, holding the god of my religion in her hand. I almost think , ‘you girls need to stop. this is not how he is supposed to be treated. we keep him in temples.’ then i stop. doesn’t religion transcend these boundaries so conveniently created by us? and who am i to say anything, when i haven’t even thought of my own god in the longest time? who am i ?

~

all i wanted was a few white friends and i didnt know it was that difficult.

~

every time you try to talk like me, you don’t belittle me, but yourself. i am the one who brings myself to shame for i pay silence as the price of fitting in with your kind.

~

you talk about traveling from one city to another, i stay mum for i am in an entirely different continent away from my loved ones, but again, who am i?

~

every time i sit in the bus and look around, a black man, a white girl, me, a brown girl, a latino, i feel grateful, for we all are one, in the same bus, under the time constraint set forth by our driver, never mind his race.

~

i look at you, a middle-eastern, craving for the love of his parents and i feel bad. “how do you do it?” i question him, then i realize i do it too.

~

people ask me, “do you miss home?” and i say “no” for it is true. for all the racism, my home is me.

~

hollow

I decided to come home and cry,

but then I realized I didn’t know where home is.

I could put down all my morbid dark thoughts down,

I still come back to empty walls.

Do people even realize, the aching gaping holes they leave behind,

come and haunt me, unsettling.

I think and think, ‘today is going to be awesome’

then the memory of us takes over.

i can hear only silence, the swishing winds blowing,

for the weather is nice, i have no-one to share with.

loneliness is a silent killer,

it took my insides,

and left me

hollow.

leaves my body through my eyes.

A rainy day

i write, i write for it’s just another rainy day

i don’t really have much to say

i fade, i creep, i crawl

under the grey sky that tries to sprawl

the world is oh so slow,

where is the glitter, where is the glow?

the wind blows, blows me away

away from my thoughts

away from myself

for it’s just another rainy day,

i don’t really have much to say.