identity

some days, i wonder who i am,

wallowing in my silence at the library,

rather, drowning in my thoughts so loud.

waiting at the bus-stop,

ten tabs open in my brain,

but still stopping to appreciate,

the sun out on a gloomy day.

i wonder who i am,

talking, laughing with my loves,

or slowly choking in the racism

slowly creeping up on me.

i wonder if i were white,

if i were beautiful,

if i were smart,

what would i be?

then again, i wonder.

who am i?

i am me,

unapologetically me,

skin, brown and spotted,

brain, too over-crowded,

friends, few and dear,

i am me.

 

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really?

i would tell you i care,

but what about the empty despair

the single nights of loneliness

grabbing me around my throat,

transitioning into days- where i talk to none

about things that matter,

for i can talk about the weather

for hours on end-

small talk- does it really matter

thoughts become trouble,

piling up like unsettling pebbles,

refusing to write,

can it be any worse?

pain- again

some days its fine,

like gentle breeze on a summer’s day or the

lazy morning you wake up to on a sunday

other times it comes crashing down-

a snow storm out of nowhere or

maybe as subtle as the bitter taste

left in your mouth after drinking coffee

try as you might, it just wont go away

and then theres all this pain,

now i don’t know any fancy words

that could describe it just as much-

but i feel all this pain

and then i cant speak- i hear people hurt

but again, i care too much

my brother- my parents- in cities all different

no one to talk to, no home to begin with.

its all wrong, i wonder. this is not normal

but again, when was i i wonder again

is this empty hollowness a byproduct of my insecurity

or the desperate attempt to give you love,

for i feel none.

man, i should just go home.

or the house, as it is.

homesick .

i went away, i grew up

felt homesick, sick for the hurt, and the empty walls

homesick for the house, the deathly sounds

haunt me,

an ocean away.

everything- too perfect, the city, the people

too beautiful for a girl like me

homesick for the broken bonds

between friends and family

dinner- too perfect

there i sat, in a place too fancy

in new york

and thought,

im homesick,

for the lies and the misery.

pain

it started, slowly at first, then all at once.

anxiety- sadness- numbness- anger

boiling inside me, faster than the water i make chai in.

heart broken, not enough screens to fix it.

one first, and then there were four.

“Facetime- missed call”

four screens- to remind me of my pain

pain that resides at home

your blond hair, didnt do me justice

“ESL” boldly written- over my face and voice

rejected

turmoil

“you’re so wordly”

i speak but the pain bubbles in

love ? 

I came and I looked 

struggling, trying, competing 

First we were three, then you were two 

Who said friends can’t break your heart too

giving up, head down, desolate

I returned, unnoticed 

ghost, words choking , thoughts swallowing 

I thought I loved 

heart breaking , hope- what’s that ?

I returned , a ghost 

first we were three, then you were two

who said friends can’t break hearts too

ill come back up

ill come back up

when theres nothing left

the air is rare and im choking

first so slow

then ever so quickly

ill come back up

if theres nothing left

my home, across the distant sea,

me, just a ghost

in a land

not familiar to me

my accent, slowly becoming

the death of me

quietness, utter loneliness

ill come back up

when there’s nothing left

 

Coming home

coming home, and I landed.

so excited, adorned with gifts, those my wallet could afford.

16 hours, or was it 24? never mind that

home, smaller than i remember,

suffocated, by feelings, feelings I couldn’t afford

i questioned, my life, my love, too sad to cry

drunk, drunk, in fear instead of love

i came home, to my fears

future, now dull and danky

mind, restless

heart, heavy

i came home, and landed

in my fears.

fix me

“Fix me!” I screamed to the open sky, after a long day.

The wind was howling, louder than me.

My hair blew and the wind wiped away my tears.

Greeted by an empty hollow.

Mocked and defeated, I returned to my troubles.

“Fix me!” I yelled at my boyfriend’s face.

Confused, mouth open, he hugged.

His tight embrace couldn’t hold my pieces together.

Greeted by an awkward silence.

Dejected and guilty, I returned to my troubles.

“Fix me!” I asked my scattered books.

Knowledge, or the pursuit of, only worsened it more.

My expensive education did not do it.

Greeted by irony.

Frustrated and hopeless, I returned to my troubles.

“Fix me!” I looked pleadingly towards my therapist.

Head shaking, pen writing, he tried.

I faked it, faked to be okay.

Greeted by temporary truce.

Quieter and worser, I returned to my troubles.

“Fix me!” I whispered, to no one and every one.

Body crumbling, mind breaking, I didnt know.

Where was the end? Wait, where was the way?

Greeted by questions.

Fallen.

“Fix me!” I looked at my new-born nephew.

Hand wrapped around my pinky,

he looked at me so.

Smile bigger than his body,

he did what no one could.

stuck

i feel so stuck, stuck in limbo

the sky is crashing, and then it stops.

paranoid, mind-numbing

and all the teeny-tiny mumbling.

mind-crashing, brain-stretched,

i ache to wake.

coffee-stains, in the dirty dirty rain,

my mind is here, my mind is there,

it is everywhere.

i sleep, i dream of my mother,

i wake, should i even bother?

stuck, stuck in limbo.